redbirds: (fly)
posted by [personal profile] redbirds at 12:58pm on 24/08/2010 under , ,
I'm having a really hard time waiting two years to go back to Alaska. I'm not happy here at all. Each day feels more miserable and depressing than the last. I hate my job. You know, a lot of people would kick my ass for saying that, considering I get paid extremely good money to just sit on my ass and do nothing all day. But I don't like it. It's boring as hell. You know, there are actually two customer jobs I should be working on right now. One is a full-colour banner, but I just discovered I can't design it on my computer because my computer isn't powerful enough to handle artwork THAT big in Photoshop. It taxes all the memory and slows down the computer so that it's impossible to get anything done. The other job is an order of 18 shirts that I need to print on. The print has to be cut on my plotter out of a vinyl material and then heat-pressed onto the shirt. Well, my cutter decided last Friday that it didn't want to work anymore and I haven't had much luck getting it to do anything since then.

This is how it goes at this stupid fucking job. I hate it. We have no business right now. It's been about three or four days since I last heard the phone ring. Nobody has come through our door in at least a week. And on the rare occasion that I do get a job to do, I can't fucking do it for one stupid reason or another. *bangs head on desk* I'm so ready to just get up, walk out the door, and not come back. But we direly need my income. This money I'm bringing in is really helping dig us out of the hole we've been in all year. This past Sunday, we went and spent $200 at the grocery store and I didn't sweat about it at the register. I went and spent $85 at a salon having my hair done. Wacy and I spent $70 on dinner at Red Lobster. I can't remember the last time I had these luxuries. But God, I feel so guilty each week when my boss hands me my paycheck and I feel like I haven't done a damn thing to earn it. :/

I'm just...not happy. And getting unhappier. I feel horrible because it's making me a very aggressive, very unpleasant person to be around. And because Wacy lives with me, he's generally the one who has to suffer because of that. I have been such a cranky, grouchy, humorless bitch the past few weeks. Last night, when we were laying in bed, he pushed me and pushed me to tell him what was on my mind and I finally did, and when I did I freaking broke down and cried. A lot of the sadness has to do with my Oma having gone back into the hospital again recently (her failing health is tearing me up inside like you wouldn't believe), but I kept telling him that I hate it here, I hate my life, I hate my job. I want out.

Out of curiosity this morning, I searched on Alaska's job center website and there are so damn many jobs in Kodiak right now. Getting a job in Kodiak is EASY, too. Hell, a place that I worked for when I got out of high school is hiring right now. I was really good friends with my boss there too, so I could probably just walk in, ask them for the job, and be hired. And they're paying $1 per hour less than what I'm making here, right now.

Out of further curiosity, I played on Orbitz for a while and found one-way flights all the way to Kodiak for $400. I am balancing on a very, very fine line between doing what's smart and logical, and giving into extreme temptation. I think, really, the only thing keeping me from buying that ticket is knowing I wouldn't have a car up there. Winter comes very fast in Alaska and it's never a good idea to be there without a car. Dammit. -_-;
listening to: poets of the fall - "3 a.m."
mood: -_-;
redbirds: (hillisphinx)
posted by [personal profile] redbirds at 10:42am on 19/08/2010 under , , ,
This is going to be a long entry, but it's been a while and a lot has happened.

So housesitting out at Dad's house was surprisingly enjoyable. There are things that I will not miss, such as the lack of internet, the commute, the stinky water (they're on a well system, which is loaded with minerals that make the water smell like sulphur), the bugs, the ticks and chiggers, the hard-ass bed we had to sleep on, and milking goats every evening in clouds of mosquitoes and 90-degree heat. I WILL, however, miss the chickens. I loved the chickens. And fresh eggs every morning ("straight from the chicken's ass into the frying pan", as Wacy so eloquently put it). And the peace and quiet. And Sherry's amazing windchime. And letting Simba run around the property free and unrestrained without worry of him running off, getting killed, or getting stolen.

I hate the city. I can't wait until our lease is up in January so we can move.

College did not happen for me this semester. Again. Just like every semester I've tried to get in over the past three years. I got registered for my classes and ordered my books and bought a beautiful bookbag and got supplies and got all excited because I miss school...and then, just like I knew they would, my college started their bullshit again. They're charging me out-of-state tuition again, even though legally I am a resident of Virginia and could probably fight it and win. I just don't have the energy or the desire to fight them anymore. I've been dealing with this for years. I'm so sick of it. Because they charged me out-of-state tuition, I had to cut my courseload in half from four classes down to two. Because I did that, they cut my financial aid in half, meaning that even with two classes, I still can't afford to go. So I'm giving up. Fuck this.

Over the past month, Wacy and I have done so much talking and thinking about where we want to end up in the future. This place is not working for me. I'm tired of the city, I'm tired of the people and their fucking constant aggression and lack of courtesy, I'm tired of the shitty climate, I'm tired of the pollution, I'm tired of the traffic, and...I'm just sick to death and tired of this place altogether. I can't deal with it anymore, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to move back to Alaska. Now. I've wasted five years of my life here that I'll never get back and the only good thing I've got to show for that time is Wacy. Other than that, nothing. I can't even go to school, now. Virginia is not the place for me. It never was.

So Wacy and I have agreed to move back to Alaska.

The thing is, we don't have a lot of money, and a move of that scale is going to cost a lot of money. Not only will it be expensive just to get there (it'll be about a 6,000 mile drive), but it will be expensive finding a place to live, getting moved in, and feeding ourselves. We need to have enough in the bank to take care of ourselves after we get there until we both find work. I want to have at least $6,000 in the bank after we get there. That means we probably need to come up with about $9,000 altogether for this move. Can we do it? Sure we can. It'll mean a lot of hard work, though, and it'll mean living pretty rough in the interest of saving money on rent and putting the savings toward our Alaska Fund. I'm OK with that, though, and so is Wacy. I'd live in a tent if it meant the possibility of going back home again!

I've tentatively set summer of 2012 as our moving time. I think that two years is a realistic amount of time for us to come up with that kind of money. We'll both work our asses off, and each payday I'm going to sit down, look at what bills we owe, and then take whatever we can spare out of each check and set it aside in our Alaska Fund. Every Christmas and birthday, I'm going to ask people to just send money, and every penny of that will go into the fund. After I get this mountain of commissions done, I'm going to start doing more commissions and every dime of that money will go toward the fund too. Hell, all of our loose change is going to get collected, cashed, and put into the fund too. I'm going to double up on my car payments and make two each month instead of one; my car has 18 payments left on it, but if I can have it paid off in 9, then that'll enable us to pile that much more money into the Alaska Fund.

My sister Sarah, who lives in Alaska, is helping us with this crazy plan of ours. Anytime she finds information she thinks might be helpful to us, she sends it to me. She and her husband both are bending over backward to get us back up there because she wants me back home just as badly as I do. I checked my mail on Monday night and found a money order for $1,000 from her in there. @_@ I freaked out and cried and immediately called her, but she refused to take it back. So my Alaska Fund is off to a good start with a balance of $1,000 in it. My boss is going to be paying us to paint my office here in the near future, and he's going to pay us $600 to do that. Every penny of that will go into the fund. Seriously, every extra cent that we make and don't need to put toward bills, gas, and food is going to get stuffed into this fund.

I just feel like I've been stuck in a mud-hole, spinning my tires and getting nowhere for the past five years. I'm tired of being here. If I go to Alaska, yeah, I'll be broke and I won't have a thing to my name, but you know what? I'll be happy. I'll be where I want to be. I'm broke and don't have a damn thing right now, and I'm miserable here. Something's gotta change.

Wacy's totally on board with this idea and I think he's a little excited himself. Dad and Sherry are backing us up 100% too, and they're going to help us as much as they can. I think they're planning to move up to Alaska themselves in 2013, so that would be awesome. I'm not sure where we're going to end up settling. Right now I'm thinking Anchorage, since it's the biggest city (lol, by Alaska's standards, anyway...compared to where we live now, Anchorage is a small town) and will have the most job opportunities. University of Alaska Anchorage is there, too. However, I'm more than willing to change my mind and drop anchor elsewhere if something comes up.

Guys, I'm so fucking excited. I haven't stopped jabbering about Alaska for weeks now. Wacy's got to be getting sick of listening to me, lol. I'm just so excited. I haven't been this excited in years. I finally have a real, tangible, achievable goal, and one that makes me scream and flail around with glee. I'M GOING HOME! I know I've said this many times before and made plans and come up with ideas to get back to Alaska that always fell through in the past, but this time, I'm not alone. Wacy's on board with me, and we've got a good group of people around us supporting us and backing us up in this. It's going to happen.

Since I don't have much of interest to document in a journal (I mean really, who gives a damn about what goes on in my personal offline life? I certainly don't, so I know nobody on my f-list does, lol), I think I'll use this to chronicle our journey from here and now to Alaska in 2012. :D
mood: bored at work but still good
location: chesapeake, virginia

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