the enchanting perfume of winter

I'm having a really hard time waiting two years to go back to Alaska. I'm not happy here at all. Each day feels more miserable and depressing than the last. I hate my job. You know, a lot of people would kick my ass for saying that, considering I get paid extremely good money to just sit on my ass and do nothing all day. But I don't like it. It's boring as hell. You know, there are actually two customer jobs I should be working on right now. One is a full-colour banner, but I just discovered I can't design it on my computer because my computer isn't powerful enough to handle artwork THAT big in Photoshop. It taxes all the memory and slows down the computer so that it's impossible to get anything done. The other job is an order of 18 shirts that I need to print on. The print has to be cut on my plotter out of a vinyl material and then heat-pressed onto the shirt. Well, my cutter decided last Friday that it didn't want to work anymore and I haven't had much luck getting it to do anything since then.

This is how it goes at this stupid fucking job. I hate it. We have no business right now. It's been about three or four days since I last heard the phone ring. Nobody has come through our door in at least a week. And on the rare occasion that I do get a job to do, I can't fucking do it for one stupid reason or another. *bangs head on desk* I'm so ready to just get up, walk out the door, and not come back. But we direly need my income. This money I'm bringing in is really helping dig us out of the hole we've been in all year. This past Sunday, we went and spent $200 at the grocery store and I didn't sweat about it at the register. I went and spent $85 at a salon having my hair done. Wacy and I spent $70 on dinner at Red Lobster. I can't remember the last time I had these luxuries. But God, I feel so guilty each week when my boss hands me my paycheck and I feel like I haven't done a damn thing to earn it. :/

I'm just...not happy. And getting unhappier. I feel horrible because it's making me a very aggressive, very unpleasant person to be around. And because Wacy lives with me, he's generally the one who has to suffer because of that. I have been such a cranky, grouchy, humorless bitch the past few weeks. Last night, when we were laying in bed, he pushed me and pushed me to tell him what was on my mind and I finally did, and when I did I freaking broke down and cried. A lot of the sadness has to do with my Oma having gone back into the hospital again recently (her failing health is tearing me up inside like you wouldn't believe), but I kept telling him that I hate it here, I hate my life, I hate my job. I want out.

Out of curiosity this morning, I searched on Alaska's job center website and there are so damn many jobs in Kodiak right now. Getting a job in Kodiak is EASY, too. Hell, a place that I worked for when I got out of high school is hiring right now. I was really good friends with my boss there too, so I could probably just walk in, ask them for the job, and be hired. And they're paying $1 per hour less than what I'm making here, right now.

Out of further curiosity, I played on Orbitz for a while and found one-way flights all the way to Kodiak for $400. I am balancing on a very, very fine line between doing what's smart and logical, and giving into extreme temptation. I think, really, the only thing keeping me from buying that ticket is knowing I wouldn't have a car up there. Winter comes very fast in Alaska and it's never a good idea to be there without a car. Dammit. -_-;

This is in response to information I've received regarding a post that was created on parrot_lovers exclusively about me, attacking and berating me for assumptions made about my skills and situation as a parrot keeper based on sketchy information people have gathered from the few public posts on my LJ (which will be going away shortly – I knew I should have kept this thing entirely private). I was going to post this on parrot_lovers, but I figured it'd just get instantly deleted and do me no good whatsoever, so for those of you who check out my journal for sheer curiosity or if you're here to troll for more drama, let me set the record straight before you draw your conclusions.

Before I go into this, I would like to make it very clear that the person who originally wrote the attack did contact me and apologize. I have forgiven her and am trying not to hold any hard feelings (which is a real effort for me, considering my personality), but I want EVERYONE who might have been involved or might have seen that particular post to know the truth.

( Cut for length... )

I am not a friendly person by nature, but I go out of my way to be courteous and respectful of people on communities because I myself manage a very large forum-based community and know exactly how one ought to conduct oneself when interacting with a big group of people. What has this gotten me? A flame job, that's what. These photo posts of mine...I've always enjoyed posting them because people really seemed to like seeing them and watching my birds progress with time. These, however, will no longer be available to the public. I'm going to friends-lock all my other posts on this journal because I don't feel comfortable having people I don't even know trolling my personal journal searching for shit to tear me apart with. :/